The Fear of Falling Apart
by ineverneededareason
Summary: After the events of the Battle of Hogwarts, Hermione felt something wasn't right in her relationship with Ron. When a certain blond reappears in her life, he manages to fill the void, keeping her from falling apart altogether.


**Written for Platform 9 3/4's June 2017 OS competition. Winner of Best Feels category. Prompt: Post-War**

 **Beta love to the amazing Sandra-Sempra! She's everything I ever needed in a beta reader, and any mistakes are all my own.**

 **A/N: This OS was inspired by the song This is Gospel by Panic! at the Disco.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing except my ideas. All characters belong to J.K. Rowling and the lyrics to Panic! at the Disco.**

* * *

 _This is gospel for the fallen ones, locked away in permanent slumber..._

May 10, 1998

It was as though the sky knew what today was as the rain had not let up for hours. Hermione sat, staring out the window and sighed, knowing what awaited her. Remus and Tonks' funeral had happened just the day before, and no one was prepared to bury Fred today, nor was Hermione prepared for what she knew had to come after.

"Ready, 'Mione?" Harry asked her, coming into the room and interrupting her thoughts.

"I don't know that I'll ever be ready. I have to do it. I know that I have to, but, I mean...we're burying his brother today. I don't know if I can," she replied.

Harry sighed. "Ron is like my brother," he said. "But, you don't love him. You and I both know that, and he does too. Deep down, he knows. That's why you have to do this today. Best to get it all over and done with, instead of leading him on."

"I know," Hermione replied, breathing a heavy sigh. "I just need to figure out how to break it to him." Her eyes turned back to the window, glazing over, and Harry knew he had lost her.

oOoOo

The funeral was sad, as was to be expected. As people filed out of the graveyard where Fred had been buried beside the other war heroes, Hermione pulled Ron off to the side, under a tree to escape the rain. Harry started to follow, but one look from Hermione had him running off to catch up to Ginny, putting his arm around her as he did so. The two watched their best friend go, neither looking one another in the eye until he had disappeared over the hill. At that, Hermione looked towards the ginger boy.

"Ron…," she started.

"No. You can't do this. I won't let you. I know what's coming. I can't do this. Not today. Not ever. I love you, Hermione. I'm not letting you go. Not now. Not ever."

"Ron."

"No!"

"Ronald, listen to me, please! I'm having enough trouble doing this without you interrupting me."

"Well, if you're having trouble, just don't do it. Stay with me, 'Mione." He pleaded with his eyes.

"I can't do that. I don't love you. What happened in the chamber was a fluke. A mistake. I didn't think we'd make it through the war. I honestly thought we were going to die."

Ron had a response ready to go, starting almost before she'd finished her sentence. "You can learn to love me. I promise. Hermione, I'll make this worth your while. You may not love me yet, but I love you. I do. I love you more than anything. "

"If you love me, let me go." With that, she turned and walked into the rain, leaving Ron standing alone behind her.

oOoOo

 _These words are knives that often leave scars - the fear of falling apart._

April 24, 2003

Close to five years had passed since that rainy afternoon in May when they buried Fred. The three ex-Gryffindors remained close friends, even though things hadn't been quite the same between Ron and Hermione since the funeral. The fact that Draco had started hanging around last year didn't help matters much, either. Word had spread that Lucius was to remain in Azkaban, and Draco's mother had bound herself to her room. The once haughty Malfoy had no one to turn to; most of his friends had left him behind as they moved on from the war. The only one to remain was Theodore Nott, simply because he, too, had nowhere else to go.

Hermione had started dating Draco around New Year's Eve, all while being careful not to ruffle any feathers with the fiery redhead. However, with the anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts looming over them all, tensions were high. It had started to seem as though every move Draco made would piss Ron off. This night was no exception.

"I'm going to kill him, Hermione. I swear I am." Ron shouted as she dragged him from the pub after he lunged himself at Draco for giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"No, Ron, you won't."

"He's the reason my brother is dead!" Ron screamed. He heard a loud crack, and the next thing he knew, his face was stinging. Immediately, he brought his hand to his cheek.

"Draco is _not_ the reason for Fred's death! You know that as well as I do, Ronald!"

"Why are you with him, 'Mione? Why him?"

"You're drunk, Ron. Let me get Harry to take you home." As the brunette turned from him to head back inside the pub, he grabbed her wrist.

"'Mione. I still love you. You know that you belong with me."

"Ronald!" Hermione said forcefully, yanking her wrist away. "I belong to _no one_! The truth is, I never was yours. I never loved you the way you wanted me to. I love Draco, and you just need to accept that!" She was met with silence, and turned to find Harry standing there with Draco and Theo not far behind. The three boys had obviously heard the whole argument, and were staring at her with shocked expressions.

"Well. I see we have company."

"What did you say, Hermione?" Draco asked, a questioning note in his voice.

"What do you mean?"

"You said you loved me."

"Oh. That. You know, I'd really rather prefer didn't discuss this in front of them," she stated, nodding in the general direction of Harry, Ron, and Theo. "Let's go back to my place. We can talk about it more there."

"Fine," Draco said, grabbing Hermione's hand as he apparated them to her flat, leaving Theo and Harry to get Ron home once again.

oOoOo

"Talk," Draco demanded as soon as they arrived. "Tell me exactly what you said."

"Well, we had been arguing about whether I still loved him, and-"

"Do you?" he asked angrily, interrupting.

"Would you shut up and let me speak, please?! No. I don't love him. I never did. I love _you_ , Draco. I know this is the first time you've heard it - well, second, actually - but, I do."

"Hermione," Draco said, burying his face in his hands and sinking into the couch. "I can't do this. I'm no good for you."

"What do you mean, no good for me?" she asked, her voice wavering as she timidly sat beside him.

"Exactly what I said. I'm not a good person, Hermione, no matter how much I try to be," he said firmly.

"Are you saying you don't love me?" she asked as tears began to roll down her cheeks.

"No, the exact opposite. I love you too, but I don't think I can stay with you. This is too fast."

"We're perfect for each other!"

"That's what scares me!" he shouted, rising to stand above her. "We're pretty much the same person. This can never last."

"I won't give up without a fight, Draco. I've gone through too much to get you. I've given up Ginny. I'll give up Ron, too, if that's what it takes to keep you here," she yelled as she, too, stood, taking away any edge that he had.

"What about this?" he demands, shoving up her sleeve to reveal the word _mudblood_ carved into her arm. "My aunt did this to you. My own blood."

"I don't care that you were related to Bellatrix! You're not her. You're you. I fear that I'll fall apart without you. You keep the nightmares away. You keep me from falling apart, Draco Malfoy," she said resolutely, as fallen tears stained her cheeks. She grabbed his hand, placing it on her chest. "Can you feel this? This is the beat of my heart. It beats because of you. It beats _for_ you."

"I can't do this right now, Hermione. I need to go," he said, wrenching his hand away from hers and apparating away, leaving the witch standing there sobbing alone.

oOoOo

 _This is gospel for the vagabonds, ne'er-do-wells, insufferable bastards..._

December 13, 2005

It had been almost a year since she had last seen Draco, making nice when they ran into each other while Christmas shopping in Diagon Alley last year. When she crossed paths with him again this year, he had made the bar his home, much like a vagabond. Sitting down next to him, she called the bartender over.

"Just a Firewhiskey for me, please," she told him, taking off her scarf. "And how are you?" she asked the blond man beside her as the barman placed her order on the bar top, which she quickly downed.

Draco scoffed at her. "How do you think I am?"

"Excuse you! You're the one who left. I stayed where I was. I didn't leave the flat for almost a week, waiting for you to return. And you have the nerve to try and blame me? You insufferable bastard!" she exclaimed, starting to gather her belongings.

"Hermione," he said, grabbing her wrist. Unlike the scene with Ron a year and half before, she didn't pull away from his touch. "I made a mistake. I realized that as soon as I left."

"Then why didn't you come back?" she asked, the tears flowing freely.

"You know me. I don't like to admit I was wrong. But I was. I love you. So much."

"I don't know how you can expect me to trust you anymore, Draco." Her own words cut her heart like a knife, the pain in his eyes jabbed the blade further in as she bit her lip.

Draco's features fell at her tone, pulling his eyes to the surface of the bar in contemplation, knowing his own actions had caused her to question him. "I don't expect you to, not right now. Let me prove it to you. Meet me tomorrow for dinner? Please?" he begged.

Hermione could feel her resolve cracking. "I suppose," she said as he let go of her arm. "I'll see you then."

Draco watched as she left the bar, fiddling with the item in his pocket, thinking about how his life could change tomorrow.

oOoOo

 _Don't try to sleep through the end of the world and bury me alive, 'cause I won't give up without a fight._

June 5, 2009

Draco had done it. He had captured his witch. It was never easy between them, but they fought through everything together. Theodore and Pansy had started dating after being the best man and maid of honour at their wedding, and were now expecting their first child. Hermione and Draco were two down. As he laid contently in bed, he thought about the events that had brought her back to him.

oOoOo

As he sat there, his mind raced nervously. " _What if she doesn't come? What if she does? What if she says yes? What if she says no? What if…"_ His thoughts were interrupted by the sight of her walking in. As his breath caught in his throat, she spotted him and started walking over.

"Hello," she stated simply.

Draco's voice still hadn't returned. He nodded and gestured for her to sit, which she did, looking at him curiously.

"Well, are you just going to sit there and stare at me, or are you going to say something?" she said, sounding annoyed.

"I'm sorry," he managed to squeak out, staring awkwardly at the table.

"Sorry about what?" she demanded.

"About...well, about everything. I'm sorry for how I treated you, and for not coming back. Merlin, I made the biggest mistake of my life that night. I can only hope that you'll forgive me."

"You're going to have to do more than that, Draco. You're going to have to prove to me that you mean it."

"Well…" he said, starting to rise from his chair. "Hopefully this will help prove how much I love you." He started to bend down on one knee.

"Don't you dare, Draco Malfoy!" Hermione screamed. "I swear, if you propose right now…"

Draco took pause. "Why shouldn't I?" he asked her.

"Because! Proposing isn't how you solve a problem!" She shook her head. "Just, no," she said as the blond stayed frozen, halfway kneeling. "I will start to date you again. BUT - no proposals. Not right now, at least. Promise me, Draco."

Draco stood, his muscles aching after being in such an awkward position, even just for that short period of time. "So - what do you propose we do then?"

Hermione pretended to think for a minute, as she could see that every second seemed to pain Draco a bit further. The agony in his eyes was evident by the time she spoke. "We date," she said simply. "If, after a year, you still feel this way, then we can discuss moving further."

Draco sighed, exasperated. "Nothing is ever easy with you, is it?"

"Nope," she stated, smiling.

"Fine. We'll do it your way."

oOoOo

The memory of that night made Draco smile. That had been the first night of the rest of his life, and with her in his life, he no longer had to deal with the fear of falling apart.

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 **This is my first ever fanfic, and if you would be so kind as to leave a review, I would be eternally grateful!**


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